Love Has a Name

… but He also caught me.

Recently I found myself in this odd emotional conundrum but before I jump into it, let me share some context.

I have been living in a developing country, post-genocide, for 14 months. I felt called to live there and serve the Lord. As such I have loved each moment. Jesus has been so present and faithful I cannot express it in words. These posts are but a narrow glimpse into Jesus’ movement in Cambodia and in my life.

Living in a poor, developing nation comes with a lot of changes and adjustments. Seemingly unending heat is an easy example of that. Underlying the heat, however, are the daily stresses associated to daily living in a developing country.

One day in the shower, I was rinsing my hair and out of habit I rinsed my mouth with warm water and took a swallow of it. Immediately, I recalled the likelihood of getting severely sick and ill from drinking the water. Immediately after, I start the clock. Giving myself first 4, then 8, then 12 and finally 24 hours to keep an eye on my stomach and await the impending stomach pain and sickness associated from drinking water. But for the grace of God I did not get sick this time, but with each minute and stomach grumble that passed I was waiting for the sickness.

This is 1 example from 1 day. There is a consistent and humbling set of daily stressors that pile up.

Recently I returned to Canada and upon my return I felt quite comfortable and felt I was easily able to adjust back. I was feeling confident and content that in returning to Canada I was not needing much time to adjust back, aside from the 30-35 degree drop of temperature.

That was until I randomly snapped at a friend’s comical comment that was meant to inspire conversation. I immediately noticed that I dismissed him in a rude tone and manner and was convicted to apologize for this.

While in service at my Church that evening I found myself judging the worship leader and his fellow singer on stage. But that’s when it happened.

The Lord had had enough of me and spoke. As I muttered to myself, “that leader is doing this all for himself.” Jesus’s voice broke in and said, “is that true, or are you only thinking of yourself?”

I was perplexed. Jesus continued, “you don’t know his heart, I do. I also know yours. How much longer will you go on without me? How long do you think you can do this without me?”

It broke me. I began to cry and I felt as if I had just been pushed into the deep end of a pool before I knew how to swim. I engaged in a back and forth with the Lord asking Him to show me what He meant, to reveal my pride and to be re-aligned with His will.

Jesus did just that. I’ve been blessed with a strong community network here in Canada and my Pastor has spent more than 2 decades abroad and on the international mission field. After reaching out to him we had a chat and I  started the process of getting through my thoughts, feelings and adjustments back to culture and life in Canada.

So I come back to the title and to a reminder from Scripture.

Psalm 145:18 ESV
¹⁸ The Lord is near to all who call on him,
    to all who call on him in truth.

As the Lord spoke to me and as I worshipped Him, imperfectly, He drew near to me. He spoke to me. He loved me in my brokenness, yet, He did not leave me there.

As I was asking Jesus to show me where I was not including Him and where I was forgetting Him in my life He did just as I asked.

He pushed me off the cliff, revealing that what I was relying on to catch me (myself) couldn’t. Instead, as I processed this, prayed through this with friends and my brothers and sisters in Christ, He caught me.

I would have continued to free-fall and be hopeless until I called on Him in truth. As I did this Jesus caught me, tenderly, softly and in arms of love. Discipline and correction may be uncomfortable, but they are Godly, biblical and loving.

What Father doesn’t correct his children?

I continued to think about this for awhile until I had a smirk on my face and could imagine Jesus excited to push me off the cliff. He did as I asked it just didn’t look like I thought it would. And it certainly didn’t feel good to be shown where pride sneaked into my life.

However the faithfulness of Christ Jesus continues to be proven day in and day out. He was excited to push me off my cliff of pride because He knew that He would catch me as I reach for His truth and not my own. (Psalm 3: 5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;)

As a result of this pushing off of the cliff I have become that much closer, that much more in love and that much more dependent on Jesus.

My trust for the Lord has also increased and in the future, I will jump off the cliff myself if I must because I know He is there, always.